Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Big Picture Show

The Movie Employee who speaks to the audience before the film. You, Sir, are a tool.

When did movie theaters decide a movie needs an opening act? And why did they decide that instead of a talented comedian the pre-show announcements should be made by some fat, pockmarked, greasy haired college dropout in a maroon dress shirt and orthopedic-correcting shoes, complete with a haircut courtesy of Helen Keller?

"I don't understand; I just asked for a little off the top."

Do we need to be reiterated what movie we're seeing? And what time it's showing? Honestly, this isn't the episode of Full House when Stephanie and DJ end up on a flight to Auckland, New Zealand instead of Oakland, CA because there wasn't an early warning announcement.

This is a fucking movie probably starring either Ryan Reynolds or Bradley Cooper with a fat, lesser attractive friend whose last name is Goldbergsteinowitzenfarbrieich-Jew.

"Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, sex, dialogue, wingman, cockblock, dialogue, Torah portion."

If someone is too stupid to correlate the theater number on their ticket to the theater number they're actually walking into, then they deserve to accidentally watch an 8-hour long Serbian documentary shot in cinema verite about goat herding through the Balkan Wars.

"Goofier than my whole antiquated look. It's my 'thing', you know?" -- Gene Shalit

We're all excited that you're in the Groundlings class—the one where as long as you pay you can be part off—but if I wanted to laugh then clearly I wouldn't be sitting in a theater showing a movie co-starring Dane Cook. WOULD I?


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