Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Think Before You Speak

You might think my near two-month absence might be due to the fact that I've grown as a person and have learned to deal with people's faults and their careless ignorance with more zen-like forgiveness and ability to see past such things.

On the contrary, I've actually been overloaded by the worst of humanity lately and haven't figured out even where to begin.
But now that I have a second, I think I'd like to start with this person, certainly deserving of their own private viewing at a Ripley's Museum.

So because I'm such a nice guy, I agreed to meet this Morlock for a drink the other night. She originally suggested coffee, but…come on, I would need at least 90proof in my cup to get me in any kind of mood to want to talk to this person. And last I checked, Starbucks wasn't pouring moonshine into their lattes....Yet.

This particular character is—by YOUR definition—very attractive. But we all know I have my 'type' and to the untrained eye, it's not always what you'd expect. But it can be agreed on that she was cute, and so even though her personality was the physical manifestation of masturbating with a cheese grater--
--it didn't begin as an awful evening. Until she dropped this bombshell on me:

"I'm pretty much a glass is half-full/half-empty kind of person."


If I may translate, she said: I'm optimistic about some things and pessimistic about the others.
Your outlook on life can be one, or the other. Not both, sweetheart. You just made yourself the broadest, all-inclusive, most oblique and obtuse person I've ever met in my entire life.

How else might you be, dear? What else do we have to choose from? I understand you are vapid and vacuous with enough room in that head of yours to serve and entire Ziggy Piggy in...

...but please, at least strive to squeeze something of weight out of that toothpaste tube you call a soul.

Now some of you may be thinking, "Ian, come on, what she meant was that she doesn't see middle-ground between anything."

And to that I say, NO, fuck you. Because that would mean she was engaging in some self-examination of her psyche, and I think the only self-examination this broad gives herself requires two fingers and a poster of Justin Bieber aligned in the vanity mirror on her nightstand.

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