Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Keep on Rockin'

As a way to cast the shackles of intermittency aside and get more posts out there for you, my precious Pilgrims, I've decided to throw in a couple new "bits" in the coming weeks. While off topic of mass ignorance and ubiquitous human stupidity, I still think they'll jive quite well with the disdain which I hurl like a lightning bolt from atop Mount Olympus.


American Pie by Don McLean

God, I hate this song. Maybe it's because I don't have a Jesus fish on the back of my car, or because that I believe unless your nickname for your Johnson is "South," it will indeed NOT rise again, but the forced patriotism this song has wrought as its legacy is thicker than the fried pork sausage red-blooded white-trash American fans of this song will eventually choke on.

I also don't like that it clocks in at over 8 minutes. It's a personal belief that a song should not last longer than I can in bed. Unless that song is Free Bird, in which case I take a break to air guitar out the solo.

This might also explain why I keep an album only of itunes 30-second samples playing whenever I drug seduce a girl to bed.

The song famously refers to "the day the music died." Which in Don McLean's opinion was February 3, 1959 — when the plane carrying Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and the Big Bopper crashed.

Really, Don? Rock's really struggled to limp along for the last 52 years somehow, despite this tragedy. Yes, the loss of Buddy Holly was a blow to original voices in the nascent years of popular music.

But Richie Valens? Name any other song besides 'La Bamba' that he sang? If your answer was anything but the track 'Donna' then Mrs. Valens, I'm not going to tell you again, please stop reading my blog.

And the Big Bopper?

I love, love, LOVE 'Chantilly Lace.' It was one of the first songs I remember hearing, but any man who needs to be SO literal as to use a telephone as a prop while performing a song frankly deserves to die and I hope he burns in hell.

The only time the music dies, Don, is when I'm sitting at a karaoke bar and two sloppy drunk latently-homoesexual best buds join together to belt out this track.

You want to impress me, Don? Name another Don McClean song.

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