Tuesday, December 28, 2010

To Natalie, With Love

When news broke that Natalie Portman was pregnant, the outpouring of support resentment and unfathomable anger was unjustifiably outrageous.

"Worst News of the Year," one facebook status read.
"This is how dreams die," one friend eloquently put it.

Because Natalie Portman was waiting around in her nunnery like the old Knight in Last Crusade, just waiting for the first eligible man to choose the right chalice and win her heart?

You're talking as if by chance had your paths crossed before that egg was fertilized, the highly successful actress would give it all up for the chance to be Mrs. Part-time Assistant-Though I Also Write Specs For Galactica 1980 That Are Going To Get Me On Staff Any Day Now.

"Hmm, but what if Starbuck DID have a homo-erotic relationship with the Cylon after crash-landing together?"

I never understood the hysteria that follows when an attractive celebrity finds some semblance of happiness. Are we really that jaded and selfish that the idea of "if" convinces us that we deserve something that's not owed to us?
"If only WE were co-stars on a highly successful television show together where sparks could fly...," "If only Kristen Stewart saw how irreverent my youtube skits were before she met Robert Pattinson"If only Michelle Williams found my kitchenette and shared bathroom quaint, as opposed to say, filthy, or, as my last girlfriend put it, 'capable of giving Clive Barker nightmares starring Edward Gorey and HP Lovecraft.'"

"No, really, it's fine. We'll just...add some drapes to open the space up."

Get over yourselves. Nothing in your life has changed.
And if it makes you feel any better, she used to have sex with this...

On a regular basis. Using mouths and beards to do Lord knows what.
So, actually, maybe you DID have a shot. Oh well, too late now....

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Give Us, Us Free!!

The Free Sample....

Just because something is offered without a price, doesn't mean it's necessary for you to accept said offer.

It's not even like they're giving you the fresh chicken teriyaki. You're getting the neck and gizzards at the bottom of the pan that got sluiced through the grate into the coagulated lard that has been collecting there since the Sankarra Teriyaki was a Nathan's Hot Dogs.

As soon as those trays of free samples get unloaded onto the cart at Trader Joe's, you'd think they were offering tickets on the last shuttle off Krypton before its red sun explodes. Grown men and women pushing ahead of others to get a dixie cup-sized taste of a microwaveable veggie lasagna.
And any other day of the week they HATE VEGGIE LASAGNA.

So why do they even bother? Because free tastes good? Good enough to turn rational customers into the Lord of the Flies with shopping carts? But instead of a conch shell we get half a mouthful of pasta shells & cheese?

Which makes me Piggy I guess, my glasses thrown off my head by the rush of customers fighting their way to the front of the line before the last sample is gone. It's only a matter of time before they push me off the side of a cliff in order to get their hands on the spork in my hand.

My favorites are the "unsuspecting customers" who just happen to be browsing nearby and "Oh...oh my, well, I mean, sure, I GUESS I could try this sample. Normally I wouldn't even bother, but, well, I wouldn't want any to go to WASTE."

You're not fooling anyone. I saw you standing at 3:00 from the cart for the last five minutes, examining the same loaf of bread as if Jesus's image was baked into it--

--your eyeballs breaking over its horizon as you 'clandestinely' scoped out your target--the emergence from the microwave...of the turkey meatloaf. And yes, please, wave your kids over to try, because I know Little Jimmy has had a craving for a bite-sized portion of haricots verts since soccer practice let out.

We're a country that believes in two things: Something for nothing; No one has the right to tell me I can't be obese. To people who hold this creed the free sample is a red, white and blue firework being shot from a Revolutionary War-era cannon while a socialist runs underneath it's glow being chased by a pack of wild jackals.

"Give me Diabetes, or give me death, or...both, I guess."


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Has Anyone Ever Told You That You Look Like....


Yes, you imperceptive bastard, YES THEY HAVE!

Unfortunately I left my 50 year old woman costume back home on Earth--

--so you see, I've looked as I do for quite some time now. So chances are, if someone as unimaginative and hackneyed as you think I remind you of a certain celebrity, chances are that SOMEONE HAS TOLD ME BEFORE.

You're not even using your head. You go for the obvious:
Tall and skinny and jewish.

Swooped back hair and big glasses.

Bearded and curly haired.

Wow. Look at you! Finding patterns quicker than John Nash after two Four Lokos and a high ball.
Don't fool yourself into thinking you're deciphering the Antikythera Mechanism by connecting who I remind you of.

I've heard it all before, sweetheart, so let's dig deeper into history next time and impress me.
You know who no one's ever told me I look like? Guy de Maupassant.

Did I even know what he looked like? No.
Do I think I even look like him? No.
But at least it would show me that you make an intelligent effort to not be so obvious. And you actually know who Guy de Maupassant is, so I'd easily forgive your myopia.

Actually, now that I think about it, if I just grew out my mustache a bit.....