Friday, November 19, 2010

Peep Show

Everyone's complaining about these new TSA body scanner at the airport. They say that its too invasive and gives people a nude view.

Good! Why do you think I do all those sit-ups? Let SOMEONE enjoy this body.
The most action I've seen all year is the vigorous pat-down by the security agent after they mistook my spare iPod charger for a 5.45mm Russian semi-automatic Kalashnikov.

And bless you dear, for thinking anyone REALLY wants to see you nude. Security had to stop you twice because the fat at the bottom of your KFC bucket had congealed to over 3 ounces.

NO ONE is eager to look at that screen.

"They could leak out onto the internet," they say. I know there's a fetish for everything...

...but people are done idolizing the Venus of Willendorf. Those images are about as sexually arousing as an 8mm scat-themed snuff film starring Benny Hill.

There's one way to make people happy about this. Just have the image skewed so everyone looks 15 pounds thinner.
People would be LINING UP to get through security.

Oh...Nevermind then...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

All Together Now

Great concert.

Good tunes.

But who the fuck are all these yokels singing?

I paid 145 bucks to hear YOU sing, Bono.

Not 10,000 drunken idiots who think "to really experience the Joshua Tree album, you need to hear it AT Joshua Tree, mannnnn."

So can you please stop inviting a stadium of tone deaf, grunting morlocks to "sing it now!"

It's bad enough I've got some high school kid on a date making out with the fat goth girl he brought with him standing on my toes, but do I want to hear him screeching the lyrics to Mr. Brightside in my ear?

"My mom's waiting in the parking lot, so we gotta make this fast."

I don't see a dime out of this, so please don't ask me to do your job for you. Next time my invoices start to stack up, can I call you to take over for a few?

Not to mention the awkwardness of the people who DON'T know the lyrics, but still want to feel involved. Mumbling half-spoken words in Esperanto between stealthily chosen sips of beer between verses. It's bad enough I get stuck next to these people at red lights.

I don't think your Fiat has soundproof glass, dipshit. Line that clunker with some eggshell foam.

I didn't fake sick to leave work early, sit in traffic on the Turnkpike for 90 minutes, spend 30 bucks for a tshirt that after the concert will only be 10, and drink all this beer to see a god damn karaoke show.

You wrote the friggin' lyrics. YOU sing them. That's what you're paid for. No union 15's, man.

Get off your ass and sing the fucking song.

Yes, please...

Monday, November 8, 2010

Wouldn't you, or Couldn't you?

I love when I hear someone say or write "I couldn't have said it better myself."
I find it's one of the few times that the dying embers that power the cold icy planet that was once my heart stirs with heat (save for AT-AT blaster fire on its surface).

No, you couldn't have said it better yourself.
Because you're a fucking retard.

And the person who said THAT, whatever that is, they are smarter than you. So why would anyone expect you to say anything better than them?
Other than these words: Would you like fries with that?

Posting a link to a caustic political/social commentator's well-crafted tirade and saying "I couldn't have said it better myself"above it as your way of inviting yourself into the conversation doesn't make us think you're as smart as the person saying it.
Plus the video's been removed from this site for copyright infringement.
Can't you at least get the link you're pretending to be associated with correct?
Intelligence doesn't travel through osmosis, sweetheart. It also doesn't travel vicariously through that Haagen Daz butter pecan ice cream either, so you can probably stop shoveling that into your mouth while you're at it.
I'd take the spoon away from you, but I fear you might mistake my hand for a cutlet and go Donner Party on me.

Shakespeare sums up the perils that come with the responsibility of great power in Henry IV with his line "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown."

You know what, I can't say that any better. I just can't. Will never happen.
Because he's William fucking Shakespeare. And I'm not.

But I'm okay with that. Because at least I'm not you.