Wednesday, March 3, 2010

This Song Makes Me Want to Ralph

Sure Ralphs, my Deloreon doesn't travel through time, but it's like turning on the radio to 2003 whenever I shop in your store.

If I wanted to listen to outdated, horribly maudlin pop songs while out of the house, I'd get to he movie theater an extra half hour early and sit through samples from K D Lang's new album.

K D waves goodbye to her fan(s) and relevancy.

But then again I've always enjoyed bleeding out of my ears.

Why can't you play current music? Did you make a deal with some horribly bankrupt, insolvent music publishing group trying to sell of its back catalog from the late nineties?

It's almost as if the music is being sent via Alpha Centauri and it's taken 10 years just for it to reach Earth.
(also if you listen closely behind the Deli Counter, you can hear the underlying message giving us instruction to build an FTL Drive).

"Okay, now we just have to line the whole thing with that egg shell foam to dampen the bass."

Not that it's your job to entertain me, but you've got me stuck in line at the self-checkout for half an hour while The Old Lady Who Lives in a Shoe tries to figure out how to scan her turnip and beet roots without discharging her pacemaker. You owe me Top 40 at least!

"Kasey Kasem? It's nearly three. Shouldn't Alan Freed be spinning LPs by now, Roger?"

Can you not find like a 3 dollar compilation CD to put on instead? Something current. I know where you can find one.
YOUR OWN STORE.
See--there it is, right there in the bargain bin, right next to the 10 dollar Inspector Gadget 2 DVD you've been trying to get rid for the last eight years.

Of all his gadgets, the one he could never develop was the ability to achieve theatrical distribution.