To Natalie, With Love

When news broke that Natalie Portman was pregnant, the outpouring of support resentment and unfathomable anger was unjustifiably outrageous.

"Worst News of the Year," one facebook status read.
"This is how dreams die," one friend eloquently put it.

Because Natalie Portman was waiting around in her nunnery like the old Knight in Last Crusade, just waiting for the first eligible man to choose the right chalice and win her heart?

You're talking as if by chance had your paths crossed before that egg was fertilized, the highly successful actress would give it all up for the chance to be Mrs. Part-time Assistant-Though I Also Write Specs For Galactica 1980 That Are Going To Get Me On Staff Any Day Now.

"Hmm, but what if Starbuck DID have a homo-erotic relationship with the Cylon after crash-landing together?"

I never understood the hysteria that follows when an attractive celebrity finds some semblance of happiness. Are we really that jaded and selfish that the idea of "if" convinces us that we deserve something that's not owed to us?
"If only WE were co-stars on a highly successful television show together where sparks could fly...," "If only Kristen Stewart saw how irreverent my youtube skits were before she met Robert Pattinson"If only Michelle Williams found my kitchenette and shared bathroom quaint, as opposed to say, filthy, or, as my last girlfriend put it, 'capable of giving Clive Barker nightmares starring Edward Gorey and HP Lovecraft.'"

"No, really, it's fine. We'll just...add some drapes to open the space up."

Get over yourselves. Nothing in your life has changed.
And if it makes you feel any better, she used to have sex with this...

On a regular basis. Using mouths and beards to do Lord knows what.
So, actually, maybe you DID have a shot. Oh well, too late now....