Monday, September 28, 2009

Trailer Trash

Fact: Unless ELO is playing in the trailer for your movie, it is NOT a quirky, indie fantasy film.

Eternal Sunshine

Stranger Than Fiction

The Invention of Lying

Can we not figure out the genre or tone of your film without Jeff Lynne singing a song so saccharine it could kill a diabetic?

There are songs with more adult lyrics and themes being sung by puppets on Sesame Street.

Don't get me wrong- ELO is one of my favorite bands of all time, and this song is amazing. how could you NOT love this face?

However, what is it about a song that's basically only a hair or two more mature than "Rain, rain, go away, come back again some other day" that makes it the only song possible to get the filmmaker's point across that, "Okay guys, this film is quirky, annnnd it's also sort of low-budget, oh, and it also kind of bends genres into sci-fi, but just a bit."

Oh, and Under Pressure- yeah, we get it, this is that 'tough' end of act 2 point in your life, when everything is getting you down and thinks just aren't going your way.

But we know you'll rally back to come out on top. Why? Well, because Walking on Sunshine just started playing over the trailer.

Gimme a break.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Bonfire of The Vanity...Plate

Your vanity plate is LUV2LAF...

....are you fucking kidding me?

It's called a personalized license plate for a reason.

Because it's supposed to be 'personal', i.e. about YOU.
Not unlike these gems...

Oh, you love to laugh do you? That's such a unique characteristic and personality trait. Never in my international travails in my stately hot air balloon, "The Cody," have I come across such an exotic specimen of Man as one who finds laughing an enjoyable hobby.

This find truly rivals any anthropological discoveries made by my competitor, the abominable Dr. Igrid Fallswell, in his mad globe-trotting escapades.

Who the fuck DOESN'T love to laugh. Anyone? No, we all like to laugh. It's one of the few things every fucking human on earth craves to do.

Why not just have a license plate that says BREATHE2LIVE or 2EARS2EYES.

I think you act this way because you're afraid if you got a truly personalized license plate it would have to say IB-DOOSH

By the way, this would be mine if i didn't loathe personalized license plates so much....

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Great Glass Elevator

If you get in an elevator in the parking structure...

And you hit the button for Floor 17...

Chances are, when the elevator stops 8 seconds later...

It is NOT your floor.

So then why do you make to get off like it is? "Oh, woops, this isn't me."

No shit it's not you.
We've been in this thing long enough for it to travel five feet. This is an office elevator not the fucking Event Horizon.

Unless we're actually all lego people who think we're real (not unlike the film The Thirteenth Floor-underrated)...

And work in a structure that a five-year old built with those big clumsy legos that only the slower half-retarded ones ever used...

Then it takes a wee while for this thing to move several hundred feet vertically. Cool your jets.

And while on the topic of elevators...why have they never invented the ERASE BUTTON for when that fucker hits the wrong floor on your way down?
"Oh...oh, my bad. Sorry guys...sorry. I meant lobby, or was it PA? Hmm.."

And of course he apologizes glibly every time the elvator doors open on the empty floor.
Just...just shut up.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Fried Chicken Little

Listen, sweetheart. You live in Los Angeles. If you think a little ash in the air for three days is going to destroy your lungs, think about what 10 years of sucking down carbon monoxide from the broken muffler of the MetroBus you've been stuck behind for two hours in rush hour traffic on the 110.

At least invest in an actual surgical mask. Might I suggest one of those freaky, designer ones the SARS epidimeic helped create. (They do say despair brings out the best in the art world)

But the crumpled up blue plastic bag (what DVD did you just purchase at Best Buy?) you have shoved over your mouth makes me think more of a rapist on the prowl with a bottle of chloroform, then of actually doing you any good.

And is that an oil-stained Burger King bag i see gripped between the meaty digits of your other hand?

Why yes, of course it is. I can see you have your priorities straight. Protect your mouth from the dirty air of the LA fires, but roll your eyes at the person smoking a cigarette outside a bar, and then stuff your face with chemically altered food by-products.

Because you've worked hard today at being a complete tool. And you deserve to treat yourself.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Public Option

Forgive my tardiness, by the calendar on my wall I see that I've taken a hefty 4 week vacation from entertaining you with my misanthropic neuroses.
You'd think in all that time I'd have found some extremely amusing anecdotes to unleash on all of you.
Alas, I have not.
That's why you're stuck with this instead.

Let's get something straight...
The website where you participate in a poll about which FRIENDS character you are in real life (I'm a total Chandler, btw)... not the website you use to inform people of a death in your family.

For starters, you're an attention whore. B/c chances are your post will not be "-just wants to let everyone know my cousin passed away this weekend."

No, it'll be OMG, in total shock, this is horrifying. Just so you can see a long list of people who don't really care about you, leave a litany of messages like: what happened?, R U OK?, call me if you need anything, Seriously Grl, what happened?

Are you that desperate for any kind of attention that you'd seriously use the death of someone close to you as a way to get people you were friendly with in first grade but were too lazy to deny their friend requests from to ask if U R OK?

I doubt on your dad's deathbed he held your hand, tears streaming down both your cheeks and in a weak, meek voice said, "Use my passing as a way to post a cryptic, vaguely elegiac status update in order for people no one cares about to pretend to feel sympathy. That's how I want to be remembered darling, as a ploy for you to get your 15 minutes of facebook condolences."

At the very least, please wait a few days between the obituary status and the "WHAT DOUBLE DARE GAME ARE YOU" application you just installed.